Soccer stoopids can't figure this one out so I will 'splain it to 'em

Deadspin, as usual, breaks the latest shocking sports scandal: When UK soccer behemoth Manchester United is trailing at the end of the match, there's a lot more stoppage time tacked onto the end of the match than when they're in the lead. If you don't know much about soccer, this is sort of like the way that the strike zone shrinks for visiting pitchers in Fenway Park, or how NBA refs seem to swallow their whistles when the home team walks with the ball.

But Deadspin can't see the forest for the trees. I mean, what's the deal with stoppage time anyway? How can a continent that gave us Swiss watches and cuckoo clocks not figure out a way for its marquee athletic events to actually end when the clock strikes zero? Or 90:00? (That's actually problem in its own right; why do you count up to end a match?)

Let me be so bold as to suggest that European "football" could learn something from American football. What if, when there was an injury, or when players are running all over the place in delirium because somebody actually put the ball in the net, the official, I don't know, say, waved his hands over his head?

And what if there was a little guy up there with his hand on the switch that controls the scoreboard, and when he saw the official doing that hand waving thingy, he, I don't know, stopped the clock?

Once everybody gets over their delirium, or once it no longer serves the player's purpose to fake an injury and he bounces back up, then the official could do this little hands-on-a-clock-face motion to signal the guy running the scoreboard to, you know, start the clock again:

Now I know what my hoards of European readers are going to say. They're going to say, "Marvin, cut the ugly American act. Your McDonalds has already ruined French cuisine and your Hollywood has already demolished the venerable Polish art house cinema. Now you want to destroy Der Fußball aussi?"

Mai non, Monsieur! Keeping accurate time will in no way prevent flopping, nor will it curtail the offensive explosions that make soccer simply mesmerizing to watch. It just takes the guesswork out of when to end the game. Think of it as a DNR order. Most helpful.

Comments

[njndirish]

Or how bout we have a constant running clock in basketball, hockey, and football and add injury time in an extra quarter, period, etc.