Avatar: Gawd Almighty; what a stoopid movie.
You disagree. You saw that movie in the theater. You were cringing in your stadium seat when that thantor was rooting around for Jake. You were dazzled by Pandora's 3D flora and fauna. "That movie was awesome!" you said. You can't shut up about that movie. It's like, the best movie since... Titanic!
You are wrong.
We, on the other hand, watched Avatar on my laptop in the privacy of our own home. Deprived of the 3D effects, we were forced to evaluate the movie based on, you know, plot, character development and dialogue. And by these metrics, this movie fails miserably.
When Neytiri tells Jake, "It is hard to fill a cup that is already full," I groaned out loud. This is what passes for indigenous wisdom? Do Na'vi watch re-runs of Oprah when they aren't out deeply respecting nature?
When the dude back at the base asks Jake, "What do they want? Education? Medicine?" I said to myself, "I know; I know! They want to be left alone! They want self-determination, which a colonial authority cannot impose. Dude, don't you get the irony of your imperialistic project? You would sooo get it if you had a copy of Orientalism on your shelf, or a Che Guevara t-shirt in your drawer."
Can you walk out of a movie that you're watching at home? Yes you can! You close your laptop; turn on the TV, and watch the Britcoms that are on every Saturday night. We watched an episode of As Time Goes By we'd seen a thousand times. (Watching As Time Goes By with Mrs. Avdat is one of the dues I pay in my marriage. If you're married, I'm sure you have your own dues to pay, and I'm sure they're well worth it! As are mine.)
At any rate, the re-run we watched was no more predictable than Avatar. You can see it coming a mile away. Jake and Neytiri fall in love. Jake goes native. There's some sort of event in which Jake has to prove where his loyalties lie. The only thing I couldn't predict was whether the final battle would go the Little Big Horn route or Wounded Knee. Dances with Wolves in space. And I checked the Wikipedia article and found out that I was, by-and-large, correct.
You see, I had to "walk out" on Avatar. I was afraid that somebody would call Jake an "old soul." I trembled that there'd be a Na'vi assembly in which some chief would intone the truism that whatever decision they made tonight would have to be with the seventh generation in mind. Even worse: the possibility loomed (like an iceberg in the Titanic's path!) that some Na'vi might solemnly swear that Pandora doesn't belong to them; they belong to Pandora.
If the dialogue had resorted to any of these platitudes, I might have had to engage in an act of symbolic resistance to such cinematic cant. I might have set fire to the spirituality and self-help aisles at the nearest Barnes and Noble. Or assassinated Deepak Chopra.
Look. Avatar's politics are my politics. I'm an anti-interventionist environmentalist. But when I go to a movie, I don't want my politics served back to me in the form of cliches pimped out in gaudy special effects. Tell me a good story. Surprise me. Scare me. Make me care.
And regarding the title of this post, Yes, Star Wars is seven different kinds of stoopid. You only like Star Wars because you saw it when you were eight, and for the special effects. Read this:
Vader: When I left you I was but a learner. Now I am the master.
Kenobi: Only a master of evil, Darth.
How is that not utterly wretched dialogue? Those movies are full of crap like that, and light sabers can't redeem it. Even an accomplished actor like Alec Guinness can't made lemonade outa them lemons. If you disagree, I swear we will have to argue about this, and I may even have to fight you over it.
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