Avdat

Scandal sheet

Tom Schaller has argued convincingly that, contra the DLC orthodoxy, Democrats should turn their backs on the God 'n' gun-lovin' South and build on their bi-coastal strongholds by fighting for the Midwest and Southwest.

Fine.  But isn't turning over your Teen Democrats organization to members of a Satanic torture cult going a bit too far?

There's so many jumping off points for commentary in this little scandal.  It's an embarrassment of riches for a quick-witted pundit.  Sadly, I'm not so quick-witted.  I just read the article over and over, slack-jawed.

It did prompt me to Google The Church of Satan.  Yes, Virginia, there is such a thing!  They have a Creed; they have ethics (which, according to the above linked-to news story, forbid sex abuse and law-breaking.  What?  Is Mark 3:26 about to be fulfilled?  This could be the biggest religious story since the Resurrection, and nobody's covering it!  Besides that, Why be a Satanist if you can't be evil?); a Prophet/Lawgiver/Messiah/Enlightenment leader figure, and, naturally, since the death of the revered leader, a struggle both for succession and to define orthodoxy.

The pictures and names are amazingly campy.  Surely there's gotta be a little irony in all this, a little "wink, wink, nudge, nudge, Heh, we're Satanists, dude!" lack of seriousness in all this, right?  Maybe not.  I mean, people take Oprah seriously.  I'm forever being dumbfounded at what people take seriously.

Brother John, who emailed me the link to the Democratic-Satanic scandal in Durham, wants to know if this trumps our little Dentist Scandal in Salisbury.  It's a matter of opinion.  Our scandal does involve actual murder, and the "If I don't take an Oxycontin right now I'm going to scrape all the skin off me with my fingernails!" look in the dead eyes of all three suspects is certainly more haunting than Little Miss Devil's Food Cake's multiple chins.

The Dentist Scandal has it all: sex, drugs, violence, and money.  It's as addictive as hydrocodone.  The Democratic-Satanic Scandal is creepy, frightening and weird.  Fascinating, but in a totally different way. 

Open letter

Dear members of First Presbyterian Church,

I understand that you are upset that a local businessman wants to establish a Coyote Ugly Saloon in your neighborhood.  I can sympathize with your bewilderment and misgivings.  I too did not know that a woman's navel could be pressed into service as a shot glass until I became more familiar with this establishment, thanks to the Charlotte Observer handy link to their website.  Like many of you, I am a happily married man who has engaged in monogamous, procreative sex.  In short, Coyote Ugly is not my scene. 

That said, I am perplexed by your determination to strangle this new business in the crib.  We mainline Christians are chronically shot on young adult members.  A bar like Coyote Ugly is bound to bring gobs of young adults to the very gates of your facility.  This is an opportunity for ministry, an opportunity that I fear you may be missing. 

You have to wonder if the thrill of slurping tequila out of a scantily clad drunk woman's belly button is worth the one-two punch of shame and a raging hangover that inevitably finds its mark the day after a night at Coyote Ugly.  More to the point, what's the real attraction of such a bar?  Boredom?  Pain?  Loneliness? 

The Church does provide a way to scratch all three itches.  As for boredom, there is the adventure of following Jesus Christ in a world that rejects his ways of justice, peace and fidelity to the Father. 

Regarding pain, there is a balm in Gilead.  The Spirit is our Comforter and ministers to us in the Word and the Sacraments and in casseroles baked and shoulders to cry on. 

Concerning loneliness, the unity of the Spirit and the bond of peace that prevails among disciples is certainly more healthy and enduring than the one-night stands that sprout like weeds in springtime at Coyote Ugly Saloon.  Why, I met my wife at Church!

So, why not let the lost sheep of our generation, the lonely, the hurting and the bored, congregate in your neighborhood, and offer them something better?  Rather than packing out the City Council meeting, why not establish a Coyote Ugly ministry?  Why not beef up your offerings of A.A. groups, and singles ministries? 

It has been done before.  Jesus showed up for worship on the Sabbath, but he also ate in the homes of sinners.  Please forgive me for appealing to that hackneyed wrist bracelet, but there's no doubting what Jesus would do and where he would go if a Coyote Ugly Saloon was established in his community.

The Son of Man came to seek out and save the lost.

Six degrees of seperation

Kevin Bacon, meet Jeremiah Wright:

I don't think this dog will hunt.  Richard Moore is the go-to guy for all things White, Male and Corporate.  BTW, I intend to vote for him.  Only the already converted are prepared to see Moore and Wright as some kind of John Brown-Nat Turner one-two punch in Whitey's mouth.

What else is unbelievable is this "argument" between McCain and the NC GOP.  Anyone who thinks that the presumptive Republican nominee couldn't squelch this in an instant is too naive for politics.  The "argument" lets McCain stay above the fray while his surrogates do the dirty work. 

Fine.  That's what surrogates are for.  Who the candidate is is of no consequence.  If Hillary were the front-runner, you'd be getting email forwards about her lesbianism, and right wing pundits would be clamoring for the Vince Foster case to be re-opened.   

An attorney recently told me, "In court, if the facts aren't on your side, you talk about the law.  If neither the facts nor the law are on your side, then you talk about Mom, Apple Pie and the American Way."

The last option is what the Republicans are talking about.  Or more to the point, they talk about how those values are missing on the Democratic side.  This means that, even if you'd been under a rock for the last seven years, knowing nothing about Iraq, the credit crunch or torture, all you'd have to do is watch this commercial, and you'd know instantly who's side both the facts and the law are on.

Gimme that pitchfork

The pitchforks were out at last night's County Commission meeting.  My fair city, Salisbury, North Carolina, wants to annex neighborhoods along Highway 150 west of town.  But residents of said neighborhoods don't want to be Salisburians, no way, no how, nuh-uhh:

Rod Whedbee, a resident of Salisbury and chairman of the Rowan Property Rights Alliance, said the city's attempt to take in more property to get more revenue is "a sign of poor fiscal stewardship." He also equated annexation without a vote of the people to fascism and quoted writings of Mussolini that say government is important, not individuals.

"In Rowan County, have we become fascists, believing in the all-powerful government, or do we believe and act upon the notion of a democracy that values its citizens?" Whedbee asked.

The County Commission has even retained an attorney to help our neighbors fight this lovely little proposal.

I'm not surprised there's opposition.  Their taxes are going to roughly double.  They will get much better police and fire protection as a result, however.  I see that as a good trade-off, although I can certainly imagine others seeing it differently. 

At the same time, any property owner in the proposed area shouldn't be surprised that the city is making this move.  Densely developed areas next to a municipal boundary are ripe for the picking.  That's the way it is.

What I can't see is the legitimacy of throwing around terms like "fascist."  "Fascism" is David Treme rounding up a couple of hundred thugs, some to move the city limits signs, others in brown shirts with baseball bats and a few pitchforks of their own going door-to-door collecting the new tax revenue our City Manager is keen to get his hands on. 

North Carolina does have very liberal involuntary annexation laws, but they're, you know, laws, written by the State Legislature and signed by the Governor acting on behalf of We The People who elected them.  As far as I know, the city is working within the law to pursue its plans.  The people, of course, are free to lobby their legislators to change the laws, which they're doing, but please, let's tone down the rhetoric.

P.S.  John Barber is right to wonder whether the County ought to foot the bill for private citizens' civil court battle.  The Commission is acting like the City of Salisbury is the enemy.  Well, all of us in Salisbury are Rowan County citizens as well.  Maybe the County Commission should buy me a lawyer to appeal my property tax re-evaluation.

P.P.S.  For many years, NC's liberal annexation laws exempted the city of Fayetteville, because the law's author was from Fayetteville's much smaller neighbor, Hope Mills.  If you want to know why Fayetteville's such a crappy city, it's not the military base.  It's going 30 years without the power to annex.  Inside Owen Drive/MacPherson Church Rd., Fayetteville's a charming Southern town.  Outside that perimeter, it's a hellhole.  That's what you get when you cripple a municipality's power to annex.  You get nice towns surrounded by a mish-mash of tract homes, strip malls, car lots, septic tanks underground and no sidewalks above ground.  Maybe the County Commission's new economic development pitch could be, Rowan:  The Next Fayetteville!